Stories by @Jeshisthename

Shrek: 1980s Dark- Fantasy Edition

A reimagining of the first two Shrek films in the stylistic vein of Legend by Ridley Scott.

Dracula, Motherf*****

Vienna, 1889: Dracula's brides nail him to the bottom of his coffin. Los Angeles, 1974: an ageing starlet decides to raise the stakes. Crime scene photographer Quincy Harker is the only man who knows it happened, but will anyone believe him before he gets his own chalk outline? And are Dracula's three brides there to help him... or use him as bait?

Coonskin

Coonskin is a 1975 American adult animated satirical crime film written and directed by Ralph Bakshi. The film references the Uncle Remus folk tales and satirizes the blaxploitation film genre as well as Disney's racially controversial film Song of the South, also adapted from the Uncle Remus folk tales. The film's narrative concerns three anthropomorphic Uncle Remus characters, Br'er Rabbit (referred to as Brother Rabbit), Br'er Fox (referred to as Preacher Fox), and Br'er Bear (referred to as Brother Bear). They rise to the top of the organized crime racket in Harlem, encountering corrupt law enforcement, con artists, and the Mafia, in a satire of both racism within the Hollywood film system, and America itself. Originally produced under the titles Harlem Nights and Coonskin No More... at Paramount Pictures, Coonskin encountered controversy before its original theatrical release when the Congress of Racial Equality accused the film of being racist. When the film was released, Bryanston gave it limited distribution and it initially received mixed reviews. Later re-released under the titles Bustin' Out and Street Fight, Coonskin has since been re-appraised, recontextualizing the film as the condemnation of racism that the director intended, rather than a product of a racist imagination, as its detractors had claimed.

The Bloody Video Horror

A remake of the 1989 shot on (sh)ideo horror {comedy?} romp, in which a video store employee is caught in the crossfire of a sleazy criminal’s grave mistake.

Hawaii: Part II

A film adaptation of the alternative pop classic, which tells the story of an idealistic tourist whose life is upended by horrendous crime he didn’t commit.

The Horror She Craves

A happy-go-lucky pharmacist is framed for the murder of his boss and is checked into an insane asylum, wherein his world is not only turned on its head but made grander than ever before.

Bones and All- 90s Edition

A story of first love between Maren, a young woman learning how to survive on the margins of society, and Lee, an intense and disenfranchised drifter, as they meet and join together for a thousand-mile odyssey which takes them through the back roads, hidden passages and trap doors of Ronald Reagan's America. But despite their best efforts, all roads lead back to their terrifying pasts and to a final stand that will determine whether their love can survive their otherness.

The Cricket in Times Square

Chester Cricket gets trapped inside a picnic basket and transported from his home in Connecticut to the middle of New York City. Alone and lost, he meets up with Harry and Tucker, a cat and mouse that have somehow become friends, and with Mario, a young boy who works with his father at a Times Square newsstand. When it's discovered that Chester can play songs he hears from the radio just by rubbing his legs, people begin to come from all around to listen. Though Chester is happy with his new-found friends, he will eventually have to say good-bye and return to his home.

Rhett and Link’s Buddy System: Season 3

A tent pole film adaptation of the life and times of Internet sensations Rhett and Link is in the works, and two actors: Reynold Loflegan (a washed up television personality) and Lake Manchester (a wannabe stand-up comedian) are tasked with playing the lead roles. As they immerse themselves in the film’s overly lavish and unstable production, Reynold and Lake begin to form a friendship of their own. Which leads them to question the very nature of the YouTubers they’re portraying and in turn the nature of their very reality.

Cirque Du Freak

Darren Shan and his best friend, Steve 'Leopard' Leonard, go to see the Cirque Du Freak, of where Steve realizes one of the Cirque's talents, Mr. Crepsley is a vampire. Steve goes and asks Crepsely to blood him so he may become a vampire, but Crepsley refuses. Darren overhears and also steals Madam Octa, Mr. Crepsley's spider, who bites Steve, poisoning him. Darren asks for an antidote in turn to be blooded by Crepsley, who agrees, curing Steve, they flee. Later, Darren is unwillingly blooded by Crepsley and their adventures begin as they set out as the Vampire and the "vampire's assistant."

BARNACLES

A young man is enveloped in a terrifying nightmare after agreeing to join a group of near strangers on a day trip to an out-of-town tattoo parlor.

Men: 90s Edition

Seeking refuge and solace after a horrifying loss, traumatized Harper flees London and holes up in a secluded manor in the idyllic English countryside. But healing, like change, takes time. And, haunted by painful memories and unbearable guilt, Harper thirsts for redemption. However, a brief exploration of the lush local landscapes reveals strange happenings as uncomfortable encounters thwart Harper's ambitious plans to bounce back. As a result, irremediable grief turns into a sinister undercurrent of malaise, and soon, sheer dread takes over. Now there's nowhere to hide. Can the slow, transformative process of repair in mind, body, and soul become an inescapable nightmare?

Tár: 70s Edition

Tár (stylized as TÁR) is a 2022 drama film directed, written, and produced by Todd Field. The film follows the life and downfall of a renowned female composer-conductor, portrayed by Cate Blanchett, in her pursuit of maintaining her status and image. The supporting cast includes Noémie Merlant, Nina Hoss, Sophie Kauer, Julian Glover, Allan Corduner, and Mark Strong. Tár had its world premiere at the 79th Venice International Film Festival in September 2022, where Blanchett won the Volpi Cup for Best Actress. It had a limited theatrical release in the United States on October 7, 2022, before a wide release on October 28, 2022, by Focus Features. The film received widespread critical acclaim, with reviewers lauding Blanchett's performance, Field's screenplay and direction, cinematography, and score.

Brigadoon

Americans Tommy Albright and Jeff Douglas, on a hunting vacation in Scotland, discover a quaint and beautiful village, Brigadoon. Strangely, the village is not on any map, and soon Tommy and Jeff find out why: Brigadoon is an enchanted place. It appears once every hundred years for one day, then disappears back into the mists of time, to wake up to its next day a century hence. When Tommy falls in love with Fiona, a girl of the village, he realizes that she can never be part of his life back in America. Can he be part of hers in Brigadoon?

Magdalena

A hard-hearted private investigator is tasked by a nightclub waitress to spy on her sister, whom she suspects of being put up for prostitution by her boyfriend.

Labyrinth: The Broadway Musical

A Broadway musical adaptation of the 1980s cult classic, in which a teenage girl must rescue her baby brother by solving the labyrinth of Jareth the Goblin King.

Wizards

In a post-apocalyptic future, humankind is destroyed and the fantastic races of ancient legend emerge to repopulate the earth. In fulfillment of an ancient prophesy twin sons -- wizards -- are born to a queen of the faeries: one good, the other aggressively evil. They are destined to collide in a war that will destroy the new earth. Blackwolf, the evil son, is a deformed mutant and is cast out of the community. He seeks to rediscover the ancient technologies of warfare and destruction in order to gain his revenge and subjugate the free peoples of the earth. Avatar, the good son, is human and seeks a passive life of non-aggression in order to avoid responsibility for the bloodshed and despair prophesied. Blackwolf's disastrous attempts to assassinate his brother compell Avatar to marshal forces against Blackwolf, leading to the ultimate confrontation.

Recasting Chris Pratt

Chris Pratt. You know him, you either love him or you hate him, but I think we can all agree that he is may too safe a choice when it comes to film roles in this godforsaken industry. Instead of just asking to ourselves “why did they get Chris Pratt to play this character when someone else could’ve played him so much better” I think a better way of spending our time is to imagine who else would’ve played the many great roles Mr. Pratt originated across his illustrious career.

The Pirates of Penzance

The story concerns Frederic, who, having completed his 21st year, is released from his apprenticeship to a band of tender-hearted pirates. He meets the daughters of Major-General Stanley, including Mabel, and the two young people fall instantly in love. Frederic soon learns, however, that he was born on the 29th of February, and so, technically, he has a birthday only once each leap year. His indenture specifies that he remain apprenticed to the pirates until his "twenty-first birthday", meaning that he must serve for another 63 years. Bound by his own sense of duty, Frederic's only solace is that Mabel agrees to wait for him faithfully.

The Beasts of Fordham Manor

A masquerade ball being held in a solitary mansion is upended by a severe rainstorm and a murder which paves the way for a series of damning reveals amongst the invited.